'Red One' Review: A Lump of Coal Would’ve Been Better Than this Dreadful Christmas Comedy
You can do so many good things for society with $200-250 million: build schools, house the homeless, and fund independent film outlets like this. Or you can do what Amazon MGM Studios did and burn that shit like chestnuts roasting on an open fire, on a lifeless, ugly Christmas movie shrouded on CG slop without an iota of joy. Not even the talents of Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, and Kiernan Shipka can save this “made for Prime Video” ass movie. And they have the gall to send it to theaters. IMAX theaters no less. But Red One is the cinematic equivalent of receiving coal in your stocking.
Image copyright (©) Courtesy of Amazon MGM Studios
PG13: Action, some violence, and language.
Runtime: 2 Hrs and 3 Minutes
Production Companies: Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures, Seven Bucks Productions, Chris Morgan Productions, The Detective Agency
Distributor: Amazon MGM Studios
Director: Jake Kasdan
Writer: Chris Morgan
Cast: Dwayne Johnson, Chris Evans, Lucy Liu, J. K. Simmons, Kiernan Shipka, Bonnie Hunt, Kristofer Hivju, Nick Kroll, Mary Elizabeth Ellis
Release Date: November 15, 2024
When Santa Claus (J.K. Simmons) is kidnapped from the North Pole a few days shy of Christmas, the Kevin Costner to his Whitney Houston, Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson) must track him down. But without a trace or hint, he enlists the world’s best bounty hunter/hacker in Jack O'Malley (Chris Evans), a snarky freelance agent, deadbeat dad, and certified level four naughty lister – whatever that means. They soon figure out Saint Nick has been taken by Grýla (Kiernan Shipka), an evil Christmas witch that wants to punish every naughty lister, and must go on a wild goose chase around the North Pole to get him back before he has to deliver the presents to kids across the world.
Red One runs on formula without any fuel
It’s disappointing to see how far from grace director Jake Kasdan has fallen after helming the Isekai-Jumanji movies, Welcome to the Jungle and The Next Level. While those were enjoyable ensemble pieces wherein its stars, including Johnson, enhanced their comedic skill set by playing against type, Kasdan is operating with an "I need to get the bag" attitude, not even attempting to utilize any of his known skill set in Red One. Specifically, regarding the comedic performances of Johnson and Evans, both of whom have proven talented in comedy. But that's only when they're against type. Here, they're stuck in the familiar roles we've seen them in. Johnson’s the same stern, serious man of action, and Evans, the snarky egotistical scumbag that’s also the Boston equivalent of Ryan Reynolds (derogatory). When they combine, their lack of chemistry becomes an endurance test.
The blame cannot be entirely on Kasdan for this terrible film. The script by Chris Morgan (Fast & Furious 4 through 8, and Hobbs & Shaw) proves that he lacks prowess if he isn’t penning an F&F flick. I find it interesting he made this iteration of Santa integrate the Austrian-originated Krampus and Gryla, adding a global aspect to it, but the buck stops there. The entire film is covered in machismo as Santa Claus engages with Cal with F&F-styled dialogue with Simmons and Johnson saying, "One Last Ride" and embracing with that Predator 2 epic handshake. Furthermore, the screenplay is painfully unfunny. Because they have nothing to work with, Evans, Johnson, and Shipka look like untalented amateurs devoid of talent when you know that’s not true. Simmons is at least trying, relishing getting to be Santa Claus in real life as opposed to animated (Klaus) but man I disassociated so hard, I wish my IMAX screen had played Klaus instead. I also wished I was at home watching The Legend of Korra, which starred Simmons and Shipka. I don't care if my animation nerd brain went “brr” during this agonizing experience. Better "brr" than broken.
Putting the Less in Artless
Red One encapsulates all aspects that plague modern blockbusters. It bears muted color grading that makes every action sequence blurry, every heavily green-screened set piece has the quality of a high-budget YouTube Premium series, weird militaristic propaganda as Santa is represented by a strike force team and Gryla's sons of shape-shifters don snow camo fits, and all the CG assets are embarrassingly unpolished. I can only assume there's some sort of money laundering behind this.
The only argument I will take is regarding the incredible special make-up effects on Krampus (Kristofer Hivju), Claus' brother and Gryla's ex who Cal and Jack try to seek help from. There's legitimate stunning work on the character, from his finely detailed prosthetics to Hivju's lively performance that's like finding water in a desert. He looks like what The Beast from Beauty and the Beast should've looked like in live-action form. But then I’m frustrated because Red One could’ve been a lot better on a technical level, considering so much effort is put into this area, and nowhere else.
There came a point where my mind went too numb, I became anxious about the future of movies, considering this is the type of garbage that gets to rest in a theater and on IMAX screens. Red One is a result of the post-Russo Brothers effect on cinema, where artlessness seemed to influence studio executives because it once made the MCU so much money. It tries desperately to be an MCU-esque superhero movie, even down to a bizarre PG-13 sense of humor where forced usages of "shit" clash with its overly light kiddie tone.
Chris Evans and Dwayne Johnson aren’t the movie stars execs think they are
It's frustrating that above it all, smug execs think people will come to see a Johnson and Evans buddy comedy because they're stars when, in reality, they aren't. Audiences today aren't dying to watch a Chris Evans movie because of Chris Evans' star power. It's because he was once Captain America. Point-blank. While not supervised by a filmmaker who can properly utilize his skillset, as Rian Johnson did with Knives Out, he appears like a second-rate actor.
Dwayne Johnson is another case where he was ONCE worth going to see movies for because of his "The Rock" star power, but then Black Adam happened and boy did the hierarchy of the DC Universe change because of that blunder. But Red One is another Seven Bucks Productions branded flick he produced, reunited with his boys Kasdan and Morgan under one roof for one of the most lifeless theater experiences I’ve had since Borderlands.
Red One is an overpriced dreck of a Christmas movie devoid of Yuletide cheer. It makes me want to put coal in a stocking and beat the executives who commissioned, mafia-style, to send a message to never make slop like this again.
Rating: 1/5
