Fantastic Four Review
PG13: Language and Sci Fi Violence
20th Century Fox, Marvel Entertainment
1 hr and 40 Minutes
Cast: Miles Teller, Jaimie Bell, Kate Mara, Michael B. Jordan, with Toby Kebbell, and Reg E. Cathey
Editor’s Note: This review was originally published during my adolescence. Outdated language might be seen in these old posts. Since then, my thoughts and values have grown. This review is being presented as they were originally written, grammatical errors and typos and all. Because to do otherwise would be that same as claiming these flaws has never existed.
BACKSTORY: Sunday August 9th I go to the movies with my friend to experience the film that everyone said stay the fuck away from. Only reason I went is because my friend is super cute like beauty, accent, all that stuff. That morning forgetting how weak my stomach is to pancakes, I eat pancakes with Orange Juice. The night before forgetting I'm lactose intolerant, I had alfredo pasta. So that morning on the train to Kaufman, my stomach started to plop together. I ran out of the Union Square 14th street to run to a Panera Bread to use the bathroom. Since I didn't have a receipt (and didn't know how that bathroom policy worked) I went to the bakery next door. I found the bathroom which was clean and quiet and tore that shit up. My ass burning with the worst diarrhea I've ever took in my life. Surprisingly that shit I took was more enjoyable than this fucking atrocity.
STORYLINE: Four young outsiders teleport to an alternate and dangerous universe which alters their physical form in shocking ways. The four must learn to harness their new abilities and work together to save Earth from a former friend turned enemy.
REVIEW: You may heard everything that's wrong with this film from other reviews, but this film fucking broke me, my mentality, and my ass more than the shit I took that morning. Instead of restating other reviews the right thing to do is human torch this motherfucker with a rap.
The film was miscast right from the start. Even when it ends, its still a big fart
The new Fantastic Four is a bore. The film's opening showed nothing in store.
Transitioning Reed and Ben from kids to teens? They look like they're both 30 what do you mean?
This film's existence is so unfair. They say the fucking catchphrases out of nowhere.
There's no personality of the human torch. He's not the smooth talking playboy Marvel endorsed. He's just a whiny spoiled brat whose life is off course. Shit the "romance" between Reed and Sue are forced.
The only person that makes your heart goes ding, is Jaime Bell as the Thing. His CG is bit fucked up, but it's his desperation that makes look like a sad little pup.
You don't get the family dynamic between Johnny and Sue. They barely share any screen time when screen time is due.
What made this even more sour is how retarded they all get their powers.
They came together to make a dimension teleporter, But decide to go in once they're all not sober.
But what makes this film really go boom is how they even fucked up Victor Von Doom.
First he's a 20 something looking teen. But he actually has personality and great self esteem
His costume, his make up its a piece of shit. Even his tyrant motivation doesn't make a lightbulb lit. The scientists take him from his new found habitat, forcing him to stay and be their lab rat. He wanted to go back and they're going why, While we the audience are saying, " you're asking to fucking die."
With no transition the film forces into the act three where the final battle you should show some glee. With the last fight being only four minutes long, the sequence steals from Age of Ultron. Three minutes later the movie just ends while you're like what the fuck to your friend.
I feel sorry for Chronicle and this director Josh Trank, but to be honest you hope this film fucking tanks.
Fox's Marvel track record is making us dizzy as we wish the Fantastic Four rights go back to Disney.
LAST STATEMENT: Unoriginal, miscasted, and most of all lack of fucking character. this Fantastic Four is a spit in the face for people who loved the comics, but actually makes you miss the Tim Story films which says a lot.
Rating: 0.5/5 | 11%
Super Scene: Dr. Storm's death (that was funny)
