Jupiter Ascending Review
PG13: Sequences of Sci Fi Action Violence Mumbo Jumbo, Suggestive Content and Brief Booty
Warner Bros. Pictures, Village Roadshow Pictures, RatPac Entertainment
2 hrs and 13 Minutes
Cast: Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, Douglass Booth, with James D'arcy, and Gugu Mbatha-Raw
Editor’s Note: This review was originally published during my adolescence. Outdated language might be seen in these old posts. Since then, my thoughts and values have grown. This review is being presented as they were originally written, grammatical errors and typos and all. Because to do otherwise would be that same as claiming these flaws has never existed.
BACKSTORY: Wednesday February 11th, I take my mom to the 50 Shades of Grey screening. Wanting to avoid awkwardness watching a porno in the shape of a film with my mom I decide to go downstairs to watch Jupiter Ascending in 3D. Before I left my mom asked, "are you sure you don't want to watch this." I respond in a face of disgust, "Hell no." After watching this (and having my phone die in the middle of the film, I rather watch 50 shades with my mom to ever encounter this piece of shit again.
STORYLINE: Jupiter Jones was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning toilets and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine, a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along - her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.
3D: Well if you are ever to see this film (you shouldn't). The 3D used is pretty cool. Due to the bright visuals the certain elements popping out on screen is great. Especially during the action scenes, 3D was well converted to seem the detail of the visuals are stronger than they seem to be.
REVIEW: NOW LET'S TEAR THIS PIECE OF SHIT UP. Wow, in the early 2000s the Wachowskis were the most creative directors I've ever seen. From there (mainly since Speed Racer which I despise) their filmmaking have been more manic and underdeveloped. But Jupiter Ascending is the lowest common denominator of a Sci-Fi space opera and a Wachowski film. From the transition you see Jupiter as an adult, you really don't feel for her character. When Tatum comes in, he breathes life into the film, but the interactions he has with Kunis makes the atmosphere of the film go from mature into immature teenage fan fiction fantasy. The gist of the film is really Mila Kunis a nobody whose royalty falling in love with a person whose beneath him. The hugest problems of this film is really the acting and visual character designs. Kunis is sleepwalking in her lead role and displays acting as awful as Megan Fox in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. BUT EDDIE REDMAYNE THE VILLIAN OF THE MOVIE PROJECTS THE WORST ACTING I'VE SEEN THIS YEAR. The only humor I only got from this film (and believe me the film tries to be humorous) was Redmayne getting his ass kicked and his whispers turn into comedic yells. You don't know what he's saying and when he's yelling it's just too hilarious. The production design is amazing as you see in the trailer but the character designs on the aliens are very unoriginal that they look like they're from another movie. Soldiers look like El Luchadors, Redmayne's supervisor looks like a Who from Dr. Seuss, and the guards look like Lizard from Soul Calibur.
LAST STATEMENT: Unoriginal, poorly acted, lazily written but unfortunately visually beautiful, Jupiter Ascending is the lowest common denominator Sci-Fi film that should not ever be seen.
Rating: 0.5/5 | 14%
